It all comes down to the money

Last year during the summer I applied to attend the Art Institute of Vancouver for Digital Film and Video Productions.  Pretty cool, right?  Well the tuition is $32,000 for 15 months.  Wowzaa!  Then last month, I was told that my stepdad didn't have much time to live.  His cancer had gotten to an incurable stage.  Meaning there is no treatment and all he can do is wait for his time to go while taking painkillers on the side. So my mom told me that if anything happened to him she would move back to Las Vegas.  Thus me changing my mind and transferred over to the Art Institute of Las Vegas.  Although, this would help me more because I would save money on housing, it would mean more money for tuition.  At this institution it's $96,000 for 3 years without student loans or scholarships.  I am, of course, applying for both, but still.  The financial aid rep told me that even with both of them it wouldn't cover the full tuition.  Crazy, right?

Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't even go to school...  But then other times I feel like even though I have to spend close to a $100,000 that it would be worth it.  Those three years would make me turn into a whole new person through film.  I want that.  Scratch that, I need that.  Yet, all my dreams and aspirations are being choked down by cash.  And to be honest, money isn't everything to me.  I don't care about making six digit incomes or getting a high paid job.  I want to do what I love.  But like the saying goes, "It all comes down to money."

F*ck My Life.

It's surprising how much people can change over time.  I used to be the invisible girl who sat in the back and no one knew my name.  When I made friends, it was with the extroverted people and people who saw the "crazy" side of me.  Moving to Canada changed that part of me.  I stopped choosing who to show my true personality to and instead showed everyone.  That's how I made such great friends here.

When you have a lot of people who you call friends you have to know how to distinguish them.  How to sort them from real friends to short-termed friends to associates.  I guess I never had a knack for doing that kind of thing.  Maybe it's because I never really had a long friends' list to begin with and finally having it overload made me believe that I didn't have to put anyone into categories.  Apparently you do.

In the past two years I've lost four friends.  No they didn't die.  We just stopped being friends.  How?  Why?  Through stupid arguments.  My best friend in Vegas and the first person I ever said I love you to, we stopped being friends because I still had feelings for him.  Yup.  Then came my second best friend who incidentally is the other guy's brother.  So if I stopped talking to his brother then I obviously have to stop talking to him.  Stupid, right?  Right.  And then my first best friend ever.  We just slowly pulled apart.  Then my first friend in Canada.  She changed the most.  To be honest, I want to scream at her face and yell "Fuck you".  I think she's the reason I'm in such a terrible mood this last couple of months.  Lastly, he isn't my best friend, but we were somewhat close friends.  We had an argument and I thought we were okay, but we aren't.  He stares me down like I'm a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Most people would say, "Move on, don't pay attention to those people."  I want to.  I want to not care, but that's the hardest thing for me.  Not caring.  If I stopped caring then I'll turn into this ultra bitch.  Sometimes I wish I can be my old self.  The invisible girl.  I want to turn back time and be invisible again so I don't have to go through all this pain.  All this drama.