It's surprising how much people can change over time. I used to be the invisible girl who sat in the back and no one knew my name. When I made friends, it was with the extroverted people and people who saw the "crazy" side of me. Moving to Canada changed that part of me. I stopped choosing who to show my true personality to and instead showed everyone. That's how I made such great friends here.
When you have a lot of people who you call friends you have to know how to distinguish them. How to sort them from real friends to short-termed friends to associates. I guess I never had a knack for doing that kind of thing. Maybe it's because I never really had a long friends' list to begin with and finally having it overload made me believe that I didn't have to put anyone into categories. Apparently you do.
In the past two years I've lost four friends. No they didn't die. We just stopped being friends. How? Why? Through stupid arguments. My best friend in Vegas and the first person I ever said I love you to, we stopped being friends because I still had feelings for him. Yup. Then came my second best friend who incidentally is the other guy's brother. So if I stopped talking to his brother then I obviously have to stop talking to him. Stupid, right? Right. And then my first best friend ever. We just slowly pulled apart. Then my first friend in Canada. She changed the most. To be honest, I want to scream at her face and yell "Fuck you". I think she's the reason I'm in such a terrible mood this last couple of months. Lastly, he isn't my best friend, but we were somewhat close friends. We had an argument and I thought we were okay, but we aren't. He stares me down like I'm a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.
Most people would say, "Move on, don't pay attention to those people." I want to. I want to not care, but that's the hardest thing for me. Not caring. If I stopped caring then I'll turn into this ultra bitch. Sometimes I wish I can be my old self. The invisible girl. I want to turn back time and be invisible again so I don't have to go through all this pain. All this drama.
:(
ReplyDeleteI know where you're coming from, Willa.
When I was younger (before middle school and a bit during as well) I was constantly searching for good, reliable, drama-less friends. I did end up finding friends like this (I consider you one of them :]), which of course is great- but in the past two years or so, some have slipped away. So, pretty much exactly what you've experienced.
The one that hurt me the most used to be my best friend. We did everything together. Others just drifted away lightly, but this friend made our "break-up" abrupt. It hurt.
Where am I going with this?... Well, we make friends and we lose friends. People do change- it's sad, but it's the truth of the matter. Sometimes, you can continue a decent relationship with them. Other times, you just can't. It is sad, but it's a part of growing and learning; life.
Losing friends is especially apparent in high school. I've been told this and can confirm it through my own personal experiences. Kids this age are figuring out who they are- or at least trying. This can make or break long lasting friendships... and relationships...
Hang in there Willa. I'm glad you haven't lost your cool, and there are still many others who haven't. Put time and emphasis into your friendships with these types of people- trust me, you'll get a lot more back.
Oh, and welcome to the blogging community. :)